When An Apology is Not Enough

Last night one of my favorite shows returned with an action packed season opener. Viewers were treated to an update on the lives of the residents of Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives. Last season's big cliffhanger was finally answered. The mystery bride in the wedding dress was revealed to be Susan. Mike chose to return to his ex-wife rather than start a new life with Susan's old friend Katherine.

The wedding ceremony ended on a sour note when Katherine burst into the church disheveled and brimming with anger. Trying desperately to diffuse the situation, Susan grabs the microphone to give Katherine the one thing she thinks will ease some of the pain...an apology. After wards the two shared a friendly hug in front of all their family and friends.

Sounds great right? What a nice happy ending to a bittersweet event in Katherine's life. WRONG! Katherine whispered, in no uncertain terms that Susan will pay for this betrayal. As a viewer, I am looking forward to seeing how this payback unfolds. However, in real life, such acts of retribution are far from entertaining.

As much as I would love to believe otherwise, sometimes an apology is not enough. The scares created by the actions of another are sometimes too deep to be healed by a mere "I'm sorry". Though not always a source of healing, an apology can serve as a starting point to resolving issues and moving on with life. Often times the person that is incapable of accepting the apology suffers the greatest harm. Carrying high levels of hatred and animosity wears a person down.

When an apology is not enough to resolve a mediation, I have to dig a bit deeper as a mediator. Digging deeper requires steering the mediation into a clear path.

1. Even if the apology is not accepted, make sure that the opposing side acknowledges the attempt to accept responsibility. In the midst of a conflict, people can become so fixated on their position that they never acknowledge the inroads being made by the other side.
   
2. Focus everyone on the issues that everyone can agree upon. Even the worst conflicts have some unifying principles that both sides can agree on.
   
3. Any issues that can be resolved should be resolved at this time. When everyone is willing, I believe that any issue can be resolved in mediation. When there are unwilling parties, this is not the case. An issue may ultimately end up being litigated. Resolving as many issues as possible prior to litigating, saves time and money for everyone involved.
   

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Running Epiphany

In an attempt to get back into shape, I have begun training for a 5K. This morning, I dragged myself out of bed before dawn to run with my new running club. The morning began with a few laps around a neighborhood basketball court followed by a couple quick sprints. The morning concluded by running a 5K to test everyone's base time. After the run, each person set their fitness goals for the next six weeks. I am hoping to shave several minutes off of my time before the next race.

This might be a trite comparison, but I see my work in mediation as a bit of an endurance race. First, you have to conduct a proper warm-up to get your muscles ready for the race. In the same way, a good opening statement by all parties can provide a warm-up to the negotiation. The opening statement sets the tone of the mediation. It is sometimes difficult, but whenever possible, it is important to neutralize negative and hostile language. The use of "fighting words" can ignite a flame that is not easily diffused during the course of the negotiation.

Second, all parties to the mediation must have a good understanding of where they stand. Today, the time it took to run the 5K allowed be to accurately assess my fitness level. In mediation, each side must listen to what is actually being said by the opposing side. Listening rather than just hearing, is paramount in reaching a settlement. Listening allows you to Plug into the verbal and non-verbal cues from your opponent. These cues can be the key to unlocking a resolution.

Finally, after the run, I looked ahead to where I want to be in the next six weeks. As I said earlier, I would like to shave a few minutes off of my time by the race. During the course of a mediation, sometimes an empass is reached. This occurs when each party to the conflict believes that they have reached the end of the run and no new ground can be covered. For some this is the end of the road but, I view this as an opportunity to assess your present position on the conflict and decide which road would be best to take.

For some, they may want to take their conflict to the legal system. Others may desire to take a second bite of the apple and return to the negotiation table. Whatever the decision, it is important to make a cost/benefit analysis. Remember: every decision has a cost. Cost goes beyond money, it can be time, energy, or a permanent loss of relationship. Whatever the cost, each party must be able to live with the ultimate results of their decision.

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What is in a Name?

I wrote a few weeks ago about my entrance into Facebook. Things are still going well. I am reuniting with old friends and gaining new business contacts. The book "33 Million People in the Room" mentions how using social networking changes the classic feedback cycle into a loop.

Being on Facebook, I have seen this I aforementioned loop in action. It has given me an unexpected piece of information: free market research. Several friends, who do not work within the legal profession, confused M-E-D-I-A-T-I-O-N with M-E-D-I-T-A-T-I-O-N. I hadn't thought of it before, but the two words have very similar spellings, all be it very different meanings.

This incident reminded me of the importance of effective communication in life and in business. So many conflicts occur because of simple misunderstandings. On the journey to the truth, a mediator may sometimes have to return the parties to the starting line of the conflict. If everyone returns to the birthplace of the problem, it may be easier to resolve the entire conflict.

How can you encourage the parties to return to the start of it all? Here are a few tips:

1. Listen intently: The devil is in the details. Throw out any preconceived notions of the case and really listen to what each party is saying.
2. Be in the moment: Small things matter to people. An off the cuff remark, if examined further, may be the key to finding the origin of the conflict.
3. Ask key questions: Once you have listened intently and are in the moment, be bold and ask the probing questions. This may lead both parties to reflect on a point that is important to the conflict.
4. Be open to feedback: Once you ask the question, don't brush over the answer. When you find the key that unlocks the door, don't slam it shut by your response.
5. Check for accuracy: Once everyone has spoken, be sure that you have accurately interpreted all that has been said.
   

What did I do to respond to the meditation confusion? I answered the questions with an expanded definition of mediation along with its virtues. Each person quickly realized that they had not read closely. In the end an innocent mistake was clarified by a simple response. Conflict averted rather than growing into something negative.

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Human Trafficking: Modern Day Slavery

Today I am departing from my usual reflections on mediation to focus on a quiet genocide that is occurring in our society. This genocide rips apart families, strangles the childhood of its victims, and demoralizes all who participate in its acts. The genocide that I am speaking of is: Human Trafficking. Each year, millions fall prey to its deadly force.

What is human trafficking? It is the practice of bringing people, often women and children, into the United States for the purpose of using them for forced labor or sexual exploitation. Just as with the slavery of the past, these victims are robbed of their freedom and their voices are silenced. But for the voices of those who choose to get involved in the cause, their cries would go unheard.

According to the U.S. Department of State’s 2007 Trafficking in Persons Report (TIP Report), estimates vary from 4 to 27 million people are trafficked every year. I live in the Tampa Bay area which has a population that is roughly 2.7 million people. Consider that the International Labor Organization (ILO) estimates 2.4 million people were victims of human trafficking from 1995-2005. That is more than the population of Tampa, St. Petersburg, Clearwater and surrounding areas.

In 2005, the U.S. Department of State reported that an estimated 1 million children were exploited in the global commercial sex trade. ( The Facts About Child Sex Tourism: 2005.) The UN Office on Drugs and Crime, reported that an estimated 161 countries was affected by Human Trafficking. (Trafficking in Persons: Global Patterns: April 2006.)

In addition to the transportation of foreigners to America, there are also US citizens that fall victim to trafficking within our borders. Of the millions of runaway/thrownaway youth in the United States, a large segment of them are at risk for sexual endangerment or exploitation. In the United States, 12-14 is the average age that a child enters into prostitution. (Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001.)

You have heard the statistics, now what can we do? I refer to Trafficking as a quiet genocide because for many of us, if it is not in our neighborhood, if it is not our child, then it does not matter. However, the mental, physical, and spiritual degradation of any part of society is a detriment to ALL of society. The FBI stated on its website,

We’re working to stop human trafficking—not only because of the personal and psychological toll it takes on society, but also because it facilitates the illegal movement of immigrants across borders and provides a ready source of income for organized crime groups and even terrorists.

To that end I hope that this article helps to shed light on a dark and deadly practice.

Once victims are rescued and removed from their captures, they need services. The basics: food, shelter, work, counseling, etc. In the current economic crisis the only thing many of us have an abundance of is time. Finding a place to volunteer your particular skills to someone in need is a great way to help. There are many great organizations that are working on this issue throughout the US. We cannot and should not let this practice continue in our nation.

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Mediator Know Thyself

During my alternative dispute resolution course in law school, one of the chapters in the text discussed all the different personality types. The class had a lively discussion about the effects of different personalities on the mediation process. The reality is: we bring who we are into every mediation. As a mediator, it is important to understand my own boundaries and limitations and to access these qualities in the parties present at the mediation.

For example, a very aggressive, win at all cost individual will often bring this same attitude into a mediation. For this person, settlement may mean getting more stuff than the other person. "More stuff" can have a variety of meanings. It may mean that the list of things that they gain, is longer than their opponent's list or the monetary value of the items is greater. Whatever the definition, a skilled mediator has to recognize this and try to aid both parties to reach an equitable resolution.

But what about the mediator? Does the mediator's personality affect how the mediation is conducted? Can different personality types affect the outcome of the mediation?

As a recovering type A personality, I have had to make a variety of modifications in my personal and professional life. With time and maturity I have learned that every situation does not require a bulldozer. Often times a more nuanced approach is needed to effect a positive outcome. An all or nothing position is not always the way to win.

A few days ago I read an article by Lindsay Lyon titled "7 Ways Your Siblings May Have Shaped You". According to Lyon, one of the major ways that siblings shape you is they provide practice in conflict resolution. The family structure gives each of us a safe place to learn proper boundaries in interacting with others in society.

The article made me think about my own family structure and how that shaped my conflict resolution skills. I have one sibling and we are ten years apart. Much of my conflict resolution skills were developed through friendships rather then through siblings. Boundaries with friends can be different than family because within a family, everything tends to be more personal. Friendships are a choice, family is a birthright.

As a result, my style of conflict resolution is more moderator than modifier. In my experience it is important to be impartial without getting overly attached to one point of view. (Even if I may be personally sympathetic to one side.) I try to operate within this comfort zone because I have a chance of helping people reach a resolution if I maintain a clear head.

Understanding my own boundaries helps me to be a more effective mediator. Though I hope to continue growing and developing as a person, what I have learned has been an invaluable asset to my business. Before demanding compromise and change from others, you have to be open to the same things for yourself. That is something I remind myself of daily.

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A Lesson Before Dying

One of the most memorable stories that I heard at the 2009 DRC conference was told by another mediator. The mediator told the story of a case that was difficult to settle due to what appeared to be an uncooperative participant. The older gentleman that refused to settle, appeared to be intoxicated. When the mediator confronted the gentleman about his capacity to continue, he made a surprising discovery. The older gentleman revealed that he was dying and only had a few months to live. The mood of the room totally changed. What first appeared to be a belligerent party turned out to be a dying man trying to settle his final affairs. Ultimately, the case settled.

It's funny how priorities change when it is revealed that life is about to end. In the book, "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom, a student receives a final lesson from his favorite professor, Morrie Schwartz, who is dying of Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). In response to Morrie's frequent tears for the suffering people of the world, Albom wonders, "Maybe death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another."

In mediation and in life, it is sometimes difficult to sit and reason with another person. It is not until one party is faced with a life altering event, like terminal illness, do they become willing to resolve their problems. The reason: when life is about to end, you focus on what is truly important. The trivial things of life that once seemed paramount, whither with the realization that none of those things can be taken with you to the grave.

Consider this, what if this week was your last? Who would you want to spend time with? Where would you go? What would you eat? What apologies would you give? What secret would you finally reveal?

I don't want to wait for the end of my life to shed a tear for a stranger. Both at work and at home I try to resolve conflicts. In my view, why put off resolving issues tomorrow when you can resolve them today.

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Effective Communication

Great mediation requires effective communication. But what makes communication effective? In my opinion, it requires the exchange of a clear message from one person to another. The hearer of the message should be able to understand that which has been stated and respond with an equally clear message. This level of understanding between feuding parties is necessary to have a chance at conflict resolution.

One of my biggest lessons on effective communication is from teaching. Prior to the start of a semester, I prepare lectures and make assignment schedules. Preparation includes evaluting what teaching methods worked, and which ones need tweeking. The evalution process is important because sometimes as an instructor, I relay information in a way that I believe is clear. Sometimes, during a lecture, I look at the faces of my students and I realize that I am not as clear as I thought. When this happens, I can either view my students as the problem or I can evalute myself and make some adjustments. I choose the latter.

In an article entitled "Effective Interpersonal Communication" by Alan Sharland he states nine steps to effective communication:

1. Treat each other with respect
2. Do not interrupt each other
3. Each person has a right to pass
4. Do not volunteer others
5. Only speak for yourself
6. Do not speak too often or too long
7. Challenge the behavior and not the person
8. Respect confidentiality
9. It is ok to make mistakes.

I like this list because it is applicable to both mediation and every day interpersonal communication. The next time you have a conflict with a co-worker or your spouse, consider the above stated steps. You may not have an impartial third party to mediate your dispute, but you can utilize this steps to maneuver through the conflict.

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The History of Labor Day

The US Department of Labor says this about Labor Day:

"Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country."

Today is the day that most of us take a day off from our work and relax. As for me and my husband, we are having a bit of a stay-cation. We plan to explore local Greek culture and spend some time on the water.

I want to take this opportunity to salute those who still work on labor day. To all the gas station workers, restaurant servers, restaurateurs, and countless others that continue to labor so the rest of us can relax, THANK YOU! Your work does not go unnoticed and it s appreciated.

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Transformative Mediation: Taking a Risk and Letting Go By Andrew Thomas

Part II:

“Progress always Involves risk. You cannot steal second with your foot on first “
- Mary R.


So, what should we” let go” of?

• Let go of the need to be in control of the parties; being in control may be an illusion anyway;
  

• Let go of the uncomfortable feeling when emotions and feelings enter the conversation; there are facts in the feelings;
  

• Let go of the impatience with the parties as they take the conversation where they need to; clarity and understanding emerge from confusion;

• Let go of the need to keep the discussion future focused; discussing the past has value to the present;

• Let go of any pessimistic view of parties’ competency and motives; the parties have what it takes to resolve the situation.

Transformative mediation is an orientation which emphasizes the opportunities conflict presents for individuals to change their interaction with each other if they so chose. It also, suggests that disputing parties have the capacity for both self-determination and consideration of other perspectives in the conflict. The goal of the mediator is to foster opportunities for empowerment and recognition and enhancing the parties’ decision-making and communication.

A Transformative practice may not be for everyone. However, I recommend it as a highly effective third party intervention process that fosters understanding, creates a foundation for building relationships, and improving human interaction. For more information on Transformative Mediation contact the Institute for the Study of Conflict Transformation:
isct@hofstra.edu

Andrew Thomas, President
ALT Associates Conflict Management Consultants
Lake Mary, Florida
athomas@ALTassociates.com

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