When An Apology is Not Enough

Last night one of my favorite shows returned with an action packed season opener. Viewers were treated to an update on the lives of the residents of Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives. Last season's big cliffhanger was finally answered. The mystery bride in the wedding dress was revealed to be Susan. Mike chose to return to his ex-wife rather than start a new life with Susan's old friend Katherine.

The wedding ceremony ended on a sour note when Katherine burst into the church disheveled and brimming with anger. Trying desperately to diffuse the situation, Susan grabs the microphone to give Katherine the one thing she thinks will ease some of the pain...an apology. After wards the two shared a friendly hug in front of all their family and friends.

Sounds great right? What a nice happy ending to a bittersweet event in Katherine's life. WRONG! Katherine whispered, in no uncertain terms that Susan will pay for this betrayal. As a viewer, I am looking forward to seeing how this payback unfolds. However, in real life, such acts of retribution are far from entertaining.

As much as I would love to believe otherwise, sometimes an apology is not enough. The scares created by the actions of another are sometimes too deep to be healed by a mere "I'm sorry". Though not always a source of healing, an apology can serve as a starting point to resolving issues and moving on with life. Often times the person that is incapable of accepting the apology suffers the greatest harm. Carrying high levels of hatred and animosity wears a person down.

When an apology is not enough to resolve a mediation, I have to dig a bit deeper as a mediator. Digging deeper requires steering the mediation into a clear path.

1. Even if the apology is not accepted, make sure that the opposing side acknowledges the attempt to accept responsibility. In the midst of a conflict, people can become so fixated on their position that they never acknowledge the inroads being made by the other side.
   
2. Focus everyone on the issues that everyone can agree upon. Even the worst conflicts have some unifying principles that both sides can agree on.
   
3. Any issues that can be resolved should be resolved at this time. When everyone is willing, I believe that any issue can be resolved in mediation. When there are unwilling parties, this is not the case. An issue may ultimately end up being litigated. Resolving as many issues as possible prior to litigating, saves time and money for everyone involved.