A few weeks ago, the screen went black on my beloved laptop. To my dismay I found out that I needed a new hard drive. A new hard drive was installed into my computer to get it running again. Thankfully all was not lost... I had most of my information backed up on an external drive.
Sometimes life can be like my defective hard drive. You are minding your own business trying to make it through the day and BAM!...an unexpected event re-routes your entire day. Unfortunately, most of us do not have a back up drive for life. For me a backup drive represents a place or a person where I can go to recover some of the pieces of my life.
In dealing with life's conflicts, don't forget to nurture the external drives and drivers in your life. For some of us that means time spent with family or friends. For others, it's participating in a favorite hobby that allows us to regroup. Whatever it is, nurture it.
Some of the most difficult people to negotiate with are those that lack an "external drive". For them, minor conflicts become major points of contention. They lack perspective and are unwilling to take a look at the conflict from their opponents point of view. Their focus is on the destroyed hard drive that cannot be fixed rather than what could be restored with a visit to the backup drive. Remember: All is never lost. If there is still life in your body, there is a chance for renewal and resolution.
This week I caught up with one of my favorite shows, Heroes. From season one I have been hooked on this reinvention of the super hero genre. Unlike superman, batman, justice league, and various others, these heroes strive to maintain their humanity while living with the secret of superhuman gifts. There are no tights or capes. Just people trying to figure out how to live with the reality of having amazing gifts.
In the midst of everyday conflicts, it is not uncommon to desire a hero. Someone who can come in and save the day. Someone who will listen to our problems. Someone who can right the wrongs of our lives. Often times, that hero never appears. We are left to ponder the realities of our situation alone.
In mediation and in life, often times the hero that you seek is yourself. Waiting for someone to come and give you the answer to life's questions is generally not a good plan. In his book, "The Art of Leadership", J. Donald Walters says, "Almost any action is preferable to prolonged inactivity, born of indecision." Many of us are paralyzed by the the possibility of what might happen rather than facing that which is already before us.
When you are faced with a conflict or an obstacle in your life, be bold! Stop, think and analyze the problem. Ask yourself, "what are the consequences of my actions?" What are the consequences of the other persons actions? What outcome would I like to have? What choices can I make to insure that my desired outcome comes to fruition?
Once you have made the proper considerations, make a plan of action. This is the most important part, follow through with the plan. After you face the problem and resolve it, you will realize that you are the hero that you seek.
Last night one of my favorite shows returned with an action packed season opener. Viewers were treated to an update on the lives of the residents of Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives. Last season's big cliffhanger was finally answered. The mystery bride in the wedding dress was revealed to be Susan. Mike chose to return to his ex-wife rather than start a new life with Susan's old friend Katherine.
The wedding ceremony ended on a sour note when Katherine burst into the church disheveled and brimming with anger. Trying desperately to diffuse the situation, Susan grabs the microphone to give Katherine the one thing she thinks will ease some of the pain...an apology. After wards the two shared a friendly hug in front of all their family and friends.
Sounds great right? What a nice happy ending to a bittersweet event in Katherine's life. WRONG! Katherine whispered, in no uncertain terms that Susan will pay for this betrayal. As a viewer, I am looking forward to seeing how this payback unfolds. However, in real life, such acts of retribution are far from entertaining.
As much as I would love to believe otherwise, sometimes an apology is not enough. The scares created by the actions of another are sometimes too deep to be healed by a mere "I'm sorry". Though not always a source of healing, an apology can serve as a starting point to resolving issues and moving on with life. Often times the person that is incapable of accepting the apology suffers the greatest harm. Carrying high levels of hatred and animosity wears a person down.
When an apology is not enough to resolve a mediation, I have to dig a bit deeper as a mediator. Digging deeper requires steering the mediation into a clear path.
Even if the apology is not accepted, make sure that the opposing side acknowledges the attempt to accept responsibility. In the midst of a conflict, people can become so fixated on their position that they never acknowledge the inroads being made by the other side.
Focus everyone on the issues that everyone can agree upon. Even the worst conflicts have some unifying principles that both sides can agree on.
Any issues that can be resolved should be resolved at this time. When everyone is willing, I believe that any issue can be resolved in mediation. When there are unwilling parties, this is not the case. An issue may ultimately end up being litigated. Resolving as many issues as possible prior to litigating, saves time and money for everyone involved.
In an attempt to get back into shape, I have begun training for a 5K. This morning, I dragged myself out of bed before dawn to run with my new running club. The morning began with a few laps around a neighborhood basketball court followed by a couple quick sprints. The morning concluded by running a 5K to test everyone's base time. After the run, each person set their fitness goals for the next six weeks. I am hoping to shave several minutes off of my time before the next race.
This might be a trite comparison, but I see my work in mediation as a bit of an endurance race. First, you have to conduct a proper warm-up to get your muscles ready for the race. In the same way, a good opening statement by all parties can provide a warm-up to the negotiation. The opening statement sets the tone of the mediation. It is sometimes difficult, but whenever possible, it is important to neutralize negative and hostile language. The use of "fighting words" can ignite a flame that is not easily diffused during the course of the negotiation.
Second, all parties to the mediation must have a good understanding of where they stand. Today, the time it took to run the 5K allowed be to accurately assess my fitness level. In mediation, each side must listen to what is actually being said by the opposing side. Listening rather than just hearing, is paramount in reaching a settlement. Listening allows you to Plug into the verbal and non-verbal cues from your opponent. These cues can be the key to unlocking a resolution.
Finally, after the run, I looked ahead to where I want to be in the next six weeks. As I said earlier, I would like to shave a few minutes off of my time by the race. During the course of a mediation, sometimes an empass is reached. This occurs when each party to the conflict believes that they have reached the end of the run and no new ground can be covered. For some this is the end of the road but, I view this as an opportunity to assess your present position on the conflict and decide which road would be best to take.
For some, they may want to take their conflict to the legal system. Others may desire to take a second bite of the apple and return to the negotiation table. Whatever the decision, it is important to make a cost/benefit analysis. Remember: every decision has a cost. Cost goes beyond money, it can be time, energy, or a permanent loss of relationship. Whatever the cost, each party must be able to live with the ultimate results of their decision.
I wrote a few weeks ago about my entrance into Facebook. Things are still going well. I am reuniting with old friends and gaining new business contacts. The book "33 Million People in the Room" mentions how using social networking changes the classic feedback cycle into a loop.
Being on Facebook, I have seen this I aforementioned loop in action. It has given me an unexpected piece of information: free market research. Several friends, who do not work within the legal profession, confused M-E-D-I-A-T-I-O-N with M-E-D-I-T-A-T-I-O-N. I hadn't thought of it before, but the two words have very similar spellings, all be it very different meanings.
This incident reminded me of the importance of effective communication in life and in business. So many conflicts occur because of simple misunderstandings. On the journey to the truth, a mediator may sometimes have to return the parties to the starting line of the conflict. If everyone returns to the birthplace of the problem, it may be easier to resolve the entire conflict.
How can you encourage the parties to return to the start of it all? Here are a few tips:
Listen intently: The devil is in the details. Throw out any preconceived notions of the case and really listen to what each party is saying.
Be in the moment: Small things matter to people. An off the cuff remark, if examined further, may be the key to finding the origin of the conflict.
Ask key questions: Once you have listened intently and are in the moment, be bold and ask the probing questions. This may lead both parties to reflect on a point that is important to the conflict.
Be open to feedback: Once you ask the question, don't brush over the answer. When you find the key that unlocks the door, don't slam it shut by your response.
Check for accuracy: Once everyone has spoken, be sure that you have accurately interpreted all that has been said.
What did I do to respond to the meditation confusion? I answered the questions with an expanded definition of mediation along with its virtues. Each person quickly realized that they had not read closely. In the end an innocent mistake was clarified by a simple response. Conflict averted rather than growing into something negative.
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Today I am departing from my usual reflections on mediation to focus on a quiet genocide that is occurring in our society. This genocide rips apart families, strangles the childhood of its victims, and demoralizes all who participate in its acts. The genocide that I am speaking of is: Human Trafficking. Each year, millions fall prey to its deadly force.
What is human trafficking? It is the practice of bringing people, often women and children, into the United States for the purpose of using them for forced labor or sexual exploitation. Just as with the slavery of the past, these victims are robbed of their freedom and their voices are silenced. But for the voices of those who choose to get involved in the cause, their cries would go unheard.
According to the U.S. Department of State’s 2007 Trafficking in Persons Report (TIP Report), estimates vary from 4 to 27 million people are trafficked every year. I live in the Tampa Bay area which has a population that is roughly 2.7 million people. Consider that the International Labor Organization (ILO) estimates 2.4 million people were victims of human trafficking from 1995-2005. That is more than the population of Tampa, St. Petersburg, Clearwater and surrounding areas.
In 2005, the U.S. Department of State reported that an estimated 1 million children were exploited in the global commercial sex trade. ( The Facts About Child Sex Tourism: 2005.) The UN Office on Drugs and Crime, reported that an estimated 161 countries was affected by Human Trafficking. (Trafficking in Persons: Global Patterns: April 2006.)
In addition to the transportation of foreigners to America, there are also US citizens that fall victim to trafficking within our borders. Of the millions of runaway/thrownaway youth in the United States, a large segment of them are at risk for sexual endangerment or exploitation. In the United States, 12-14 is the average age that a child enters into prostitution. (Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001.)
You have heard the statistics, now what can we do? I refer to Trafficking as a quiet genocide because for many of us, if it is not in our neighborhood, if it is not our child, then it does not matter. However, the mental, physical, and spiritual degradation of any part of society is a detriment to ALL of society. The FBI stated on its website,
To that end I hope that this article helps to shed light on a dark and deadly practice.
Once victims are rescued and removed from their captures, they need services. The basics: food, shelter, work, counseling, etc. In the current economic crisis the only thing many of us have an abundance of is time. Finding a place to volunteer your particular skills to someone in need is a great way to help. There are many great organizations that are working on this issue throughout the US. We cannot and should not let this practice continue in our nation.
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During my alternative dispute resolution course in law school, one of the chapters in the text discussed all the different personality types. The class had a lively discussion about the effects of different personalities on the mediation process. The reality is: we bring who we are into every mediation. As a mediator, it is important to understand my own boundaries and limitations and to access these qualities in the parties present at the mediation.
For example, a very aggressive, win at all cost individual will often bring this same attitude into a mediation. For this person, settlement may mean getting more stuff than the other person. "More stuff" can have a variety of meanings. It may mean that the list of things that they gain, is longer than their opponent's list or the monetary value of the items is greater. Whatever the definition, a skilled mediator has to recognize this and try to aid both parties to reach an equitable resolution.
But what about the mediator? Does the mediator's personality affect how the mediation is conducted? Can different personality types affect the outcome of the mediation?
As a recovering type A personality, I have had to make a variety of modifications in my personal and professional life. With time and maturity I have learned that every situation does not require a bulldozer. Often times a more nuanced approach is needed to effect a positive outcome. An all or nothing position is not always the way to win.
A few days ago I read an article by Lindsay Lyon titled "7 Ways Your Siblings May Have Shaped You". According to Lyon, one of the major ways that siblings shape you is they provide practice in conflict resolution. The family structure gives each of us a safe place to learn proper boundaries in interacting with others in society.
The article made me think about my own family structure and how that shaped my conflict resolution skills. I have one sibling and we are ten years apart. Much of my conflict resolution skills were developed through friendships rather then through siblings. Boundaries with friends can be different than family because within a family, everything tends to be more personal. Friendships are a choice, family is a birthright.
As a result, my style of conflict resolution is more moderator than modifier. In my experience it is important to be impartial without getting overly attached to one point of view. (Even if I may be personally sympathetic to one side.) I try to operate within this comfort zone because I have a chance of helping people reach a resolution if I maintain a clear head.
Understanding my own boundaries helps me to be a more effective mediator. Though I hope to continue growing and developing as a person, what I have learned has been an invaluable asset to my business. Before demanding compromise and change from others, you have to be open to the same things for yourself. That is something I remind myself of daily.
Sobrina Cox
BS Biology, Oakwood University
JD, Florida Coastal School of Law.
Owner and lead mediator for the Thomas Cox Mediation Group. I am a certified county mediator, arbitrator and a business law professor at Pasco-Hernando Community College. There is a mediation solution for every season of life.
The Thomas Cox Mediation Group is committed to helping individuals and companies resolve their conflicts using alternative dispute resolution. We believe there is a mediation solution for every season of life. This blog discusses all the issues that affect our lives and practical ways in which to resolve them. In short, all about mediation and life. Please don't hesitate to comment on any of the posts. We love to hear from you.
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